Murder Most Fowl!

I Scratch Your Back...

With less than 60 days left in his administration, President Bush made it clear today that no one would get a presidential pardon without a little quid pro quo.

President George W. Bush gets his first taste of tursuckin

Breaking Speculation: AG Mukasey Strokes Out

Attorney General Michael Mukasey has apparently suffered a brain attack.

According to CNN, the 67-year-old attorney general began to slur his words, then slumped over while speaking at a Federalist Society dinner at a Washington hotel on Thursday.

Said AG-Designate Eric Holder upon hearing the news, "Put me in, coach!"

Take Out the Trash Day

From the "The West Wing"

Yep. Welcome to TOtTD at jericks.

Filed Under: "Why Are We Still Watching This Channel?"

A Nation Waits Breathlessly: Race to the White Dog House

The new first family, as you may have heard, will soon be getting a dog. Mindful of Barack Obama's preference for a hypoallergenic breed, a group in Peru is now suggesting the thing pictured below.

Undecided '08: The Sluggish Stumble to the Senate

Saxby Chambliss has done it again.

Prior to Nov. 4, the man with the best name in politics and the worst name in middle school warned his white base that "the other folks are voting," adding that the "rush to the polls by African-Americans early has got our side energized early, they see what is happening."

Subtle.

Last night on Fox News, the Georgia senator returned to his race baiting talking points. When asked why he wasn’t able to close the deal on election day, Chambliss noted that Barack Obama had a powerful – if undesirable – affect in his state. According to Chambliss, there was a "high percentage of minority vote" and that his campaign wasn't "able to get enough of our folks out."

What next? I suspect the good senator will suggest the cost of the upcoming run-off be offset by some kind of nominal fee or charge – say, a tax – to be collected at the polls.

OMFG!

Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States ...

... and Malia and Sasha will get a puppy.

Dixville Notch Starts Obama Rolling

12:12am. It's on.

The city of Dixville Notch, NH –  noted as First in the Nation at election time –  has cast its votes and had its say. The results: Obama/Biden 15, McCain/Palin 6.

So Barry has scored a win in his first actual head-to-head with Johnny Mac. A victory made even more significant by the fact that the last time this tiny town swung Democrat was 40 years ago when it broke eight to four for Hubert Humphrey. Is this an omen of what's to come?

As Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha!"

Flashback: The Political Oscars

Here on election eve, let's take a nostalgic look back at this amazing and seemingly endless campaign season with a little stroll down memory lane. From February 25, here is a run-down of some of the top award-winners at the Political Oscars.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best Actress: Hillary Clinton, for her break-out performance feigning human-like sentimentality at a campaign stop in New Hampshire

Best Actor: Tie — Ron Paul, for his portrayal of a Republican/Fred Thompson, for his portrayal of a candidate

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Bill Clinton, for the exceptional support he has provided the Obama campaign

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Suzanne Craig, wife of Idaho Senator Larry Craig, for her near-convincing performance as a woman who truly believes her husband is straight

Best Score: Dennis Kucinich, for landing a hot young wife whose resume is so much more impressive than his own

Best Animated Short: Robert Reich, for the 4'10" former Labor Secretary's humorous appearances on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and "The Daily Show"

Best Adapted Script: Barack Obama, for his stump version of an inauguration speech by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick

Visual Effects: John Edwards, for his ability to ignite a tiny starburst with every smile

Best Makeup: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, for their endorsement-minded attempts to bury the hatchet with former rival John Edwards

 

and...

Best Picture:

 

This one

(Holy Jesus! That's almost has scary as Dick Cheney's happy face.)

Sarah, is Your Refrigerator Running?

On Saturday, Sarah Palin –  the woman who would be a heart-beat away from the presidency – unwittingly took a prank phone call from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy. The call was made by the Montreal comedy duo known as the Masked Avengers and lasted over six minutes with Caribou Barbie none the wiser about the caller's identity.

So you know that 3am phone call our next leader is supposed to be able to deal with? It appears Gov. Palin couldn't handle it even if it came from the Morning Zoo.

LOLCat Picks Obama; McCain Camp: "O RLY?"

           
In a nominally related story, there appears to be a political movement of a different kind in Ohio, as cats cast their lots to determine which White House hopeful is the pick of the litter. The "ballot boxes" are filled with Fresh Step in the 2008 ''Kitty Caucus''¹ being conducted by the Capital Area Humane Society in Columbus and local radio station Mix 97.1.

The presidential preferences of the animal shelter's feline residents are being determined by votes dropped into a red box for Republican John McCain and a blue one for Democrat Barack Obama.

We here at jericks are inspired to see these patriotic pets doing their civic doody.

McCain Gets Dicked

Breaking News: With mere days before the country votes, Dick Cheney has finally offered his endorsement to a presidential candidate. Today, the Republican second in command under George W. Bush emerged from his hidden bunker to publicly throw all his weight and influence behind his party's nominee, John McCain.

Gushed the grimacing Cheney, "I'm delighted to support John McCain and I'm pleased that he's chosen a running mate with executive talent, toughness and common sense, our next vice president Sarah Palin."

Asked for their response to the announcement, coming just 72 hours before Americans hit the polls, the McCain campaign issued the following statement:

"Shit."

UPDATE

Later today, Obama responded to this story by saying, "I'd like to congratulate Senator McCain on this endorsement because he really earned it."

October Surprise: Public Actually Gives a Crap

Every year, that old phrase resurfaces. We hear pundits and prognosticators salivating over the possibility. We wait to see what last minute drama, what late-breaking development, what shocking 11th-hour event will transpire to turn an otherwise straightforward campaign season into a full-fledged clusterfuck. They call it the "October surprise." (Although it's usually a "surprise" to only one of the campaigns.)

With mere minutes left before the bells toll in a new month, it may be safe to say that this greatly dreaded (or gleefully anticipated) bombshell never fell this year.

Or did it?

Certainly McCain threw all seven of his kitchen sinks at Barry. He played the socialist card, the unlicensed plumber card, the terrorist friend card, and, most recently, the illegal immigrant aunt card. But it's been a weak hand, and nothing Mac's thrown down has been able to trump Obama's momentum.

When the dust settles, I think the real story of this past month will be the quiet revolution that's already underway at the ballot box. See, for all of the countdowns to and emphasis on November 4, the presidential election has actually been going on for quite some time. Folks have been flocking to the polls, even standing in long lines to cast their ballots early.

And that is, frankly, astonishing. Because despite having the world's strongest and oldest democracy, the U.S. is rather notorious for its low voter turnout. Complacency and demoralization have kept half-to-two-thirds of eligible Americans from participating in this most sacred civic obligation for decades. But the urgency of the present economic crisis, the frustration felt toward the current administration and the promise of something altogether new and transformative have mingled into a perfect storm of civil imperative that is driving citizens toward voting booths like never before.

It is entirely possible that Americans are so excited and motivated by this historic election, the majority will have voted before the first polling station opens on Tuesday. It looks as though our citizenry is finally reclaiming its voice. And that is the most pleasant October surprise I've ever witnessed.

Campaign Costume Suggestions

Halloween is upon us. I know the presidential candidates and their teams have been hard at work on their respective campaigns, and have probably not had time to consider their costumes this year. So I have taken the liberty of making some suggestions. I hope they are helpful.

Political Freak Show Follies: Homestretch Edition

In case you’ve not heard, Liddy Dole has gone over to the dark side. The North Carolina senator, who has recently fallen behind in her tight race with Democratic challenger Kay Hagan, has gone nuclear in a surprise attack on her opponent's faith. A new TV spot produced by her peeps questions Hagan's belief in the Almighty and alleges an unholy alliance with a group called Godless Americans.

Narrator "[She] took godless money. What did Kay Hagan promise in return?"

Hagan, who teaches Sunday school and serves as an elder at her Presbyterian Church, is reported to be considering a defamation suit. Perhaps she'll win some good old fashioned god-fearing money from Dole.

Looks like the Dems are practicing caution and restraint in dealing with Traitor Joe. Despite the fact that he continues to burrow ever deeper up Johnny Mac’s tightly puckered ass, Lieberman will likely retain his spot in the Democratic Caucus come January. The logic is that even if they do reach the filibuster-buster 60 seat majority, they can still use a hand and an extra vote from time to time. However, Joe will lose his gavel (i.e. Chairmanship of the Homeland Security Committee). I would have gone with a tar-and-feather approach, but oh well.

Former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson, who earlier this week w

Dispatched by the GOP to go after former SNL castmate Al Franken, Victoria Jackson graced the set of the "O'Reilly Factor" recently, where she delivered an amusingly incoherent attack on Obama. Having previously called Obama everything from a racist to a communist, she told O'Reilly that Obama reminds her of "Castro In Cuba, the guy in China." She also noted, proudly, that she's read "1984," twice! O'Reilly, meanwhile, defended Obama as being ostensibly a capitalist because he "buys things." I'm pretty sure I lost brain cells just reading the transcript of this exchange.

Fun Fact: Texans are still confused about Obama’s religion. According to the Texas Politics Project, "When asked to identify Obama's religion, 45 percent of respondents accurately identified him as Protestant; however 23 percent erroneously identified him as Muslim."

"Palin 0-12!" –  Shouted by mathematically challenged supporter at recent McCain/Palin rally.

ObamaVision Saturates Airwaves

At precisely 8:00pm EST American broadcast networks relayed the following message:

There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. For the next 30 minutes, sit quietly and we will command all that you see and hear. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from your $2300 maximum individual contribution to ... The $5M Multi-Network Obama Ad Buy.

UPDATE

Oct. 30: Nielsen is reporting that Wednesday night's Barack Obama infomercial garnered a whopping 21.7 market share, indicating that one in five American households witnessed the ubiquitous half-hour political program. An additional 3.2% of self-identified Obama fans without television access were forced to masturbate to a photograph of the charismatic Illinois senator.

Fringie o' the Day: Jack Grimes

Our fringe presidential candidate for the day is the very industrious Jack Grimes. In 1996, Jack established the United Fascist Union, which he describes as "a non-profit political club founded to promote the economic theories and political ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein."

Palintology

You know, I hate labels. They're just artificial constructs that oversimplify the  unique and richly complex nature of the individual. On the other hand, those who would attempt to brand themselves for sale to the masses forfeit the right to be considered anything other than a product. 

Alaskan Governor and Katie Couric punching bag Sarah Palin has both labeled herself and been labeled by others. Many or these descriptors are inconsistent and irreconcilable. So who is this woman, really? And more importantly, who do voters perceive her to be?

Below are the results of a comprehensive jericks opinion poll, conducted to assess peoples' view of the Republican vice presidential candidate. The question: What word or phrase best describes Ms. Palin for you? The results speak for themselves.

From Maverick to Rogue

To say there's dissention within the ranks would be putting it mildly. It's more like the simmering cauldron of internal tension that has been brewing in the McCain camp lo these many months has finally reached a full boil. The lid has blown, and shit stew is spewing every which way.

How else would you describe a situation so dire, so disorganized and rife with disloyalty, that a campaign's insiders would actually bitch directly –  albeit privately –  to the media about their own candidate? 'Cause folks, that's exactly where we've arrived.

Members of Team McCain have in recent days begun suggesting that Sarah Palin is off message. In fact, according to them, she's more than slightly astray. She's intentionally giving the hand to her handlers, disregarding campaign strategy to go her own mavericky way, and perhaps even attempting to put some light between herself and her party's presidential nominee. 

The rebellion is rising. With the smell of imminent defeat clogging their nostrils, the ticket's pit bulls (lipsticked and otherwise) have turned on one another in a desperate bid to lay blame, establish future prospects, or both. The partnership is unraveling. Panic as taken hold. The ship has run aground and the rats are scurrying for the exits. 

UPDATE

Oct. 28: The divisions in the McCain-Palin campaign continue to widen with one senior McCain aide telling Mike Allen that Gov. Sarah Palin is "a whack job."

Meanwhile, George Stephanopoulos said this about the "demoralized" McCain campaign on ABC News this morning: "Palin is going to be the most vivid chapter of the McCain campaign's post-mortem... Those loyal to McCain believe they have been unfairly blamed for over-handling Palin. They say they did the best they could with what they got."  

Stupid Obama Bumper Sticker

Steaming Pile Cup o' Joes

Fringie o' the Day: Richard H. Clark

Notes today's featured candidate, "This country is headed towards a financial and moral crisis the size of which has been unseen since the Great Depression. No kidding. The lies, the scandals, the corruption, Budget Deficits, Trade Deficits, Free Trade, and our National Debt are all about to take their true toll on us. Not to mention the cost of our disasterous [sic] Foreign Policy. It’s a massive train wreck speeding straight at us. And that, from an optimist."

So vote for Richard H. Clark, or you’ll get hit by the wrecked trains that are hurtling toward you. No kidding.

Independent Richard Clark knows how to look to the future.

Cranky Calls

Today a recording was released of a 911 call made by John McCain's brother Joe. What was the emergency? Slow moving cars. The call was registered by the Alexandria, VA, 911 system on October 21. Below is the brief transcript of the exchange.

Pugnacious? Yes. Peculiar? Certainly. But unusual?

Turns out, JoeMac is no stranger to such disgruntled dialing. In fact, jericks has obtained the transcripts of some other telephone complaints the cantankerous codger has lodged.

August 11:
 

June 29:

June 2:

March 20:

Washington Insiders are Palin Comparison

There are some things money can’t buy

For everything else, there are lobbyists

~ ~ ~

Said Bay Buchanan on CNN's AC360 last night, "Sarah Palin looks like a million bucks."

Uh, oh. Looks like someone made another trip to Neiman Marcus.

The Shot Seen 'Round the World

We've all seen it by now. Odd. Creepy. Unsavory. Disturbing.

Poor Johnny was just being light-hearted. Partaking in a goofy, unscripted moment. Ha-ha, right?

But for some reason, the image does not suggest fun. It suggests the touched old lecher you keep the kids away from on Halloween. The frothing mental patient in a haunting horror flick. The twitchy-eyed froterist who stumbles and lists down the path of the public park at dusk.

I dunno. Maybe it's that lizard-like tongue.¹  Or perhaps it's those gnarled old fingers that seem to stretch lasciviously toward Obama's backside. Regardless, it is a sight I cannot purge from my subconscious. It awaits my mind's eye in the darkness. It emerges in my nightmares. A withered figure in the moonlight who calls me "friend," flicks at his lips, and whispers, "I'm gonna drill, baby, drill."

Ugh!

How ever one feels about that infamous shot of McCain leaving the debate, one thing is certain: He seems somehow out of place. He doesn't look as if he belongs on a stage in front of the nation's TV cameras. He looks like he was caught in a much more candid moment. I've tried to imagine what he really appears to be doing. I'm still not sure. And I'm not even sure I want to know. But here are a few ideas that have popped into my head.

Fringie o' the Day: Ruth Bryant Wright

Nevada's Ruth Bryant Wright wants to be your next  insurance agent  Realtor  president.

Independent Ruth Bryant Wright: Mean gangsta lean or severe case of scoliosis?  As Igor said, "What hump?"

Let's let Ms. Wright state her case in her own words.

On Securing America's Borders: "I will pardon the Border Patrol Agents who are in prison. I will make sure people like Dog Dwayne Chapman (the Bounty Hunter) would be able to go into other Countries with their permission to get our American Felons and bring them to justice without fear of political games or other Government retaliations."

On Gay Rights (or, as she calls it, "Same Sex Rights"): "If you can’t hang with the big kids, then take your ball and go home. When you choose a lifestyle … you pay for it. Those who choose same sex lifestyles will pay as well, and I will not let a penny of your tax dollars go for immoral purposes."

On National Security: "I would keep the Patriot Act in place just in case we have home grown Terrorists who are trying to destroy the American way of life. If we the people put the right to privacy and civil liberties above the securing of our country, then we won’t have either."
 

"Let me be perfectly clear," says Wright, "If I didn’t love you, my American Neighbor¹, I wouldn’t have put my hat into this ring of a Circus to become your next President."

Yes, Ms. Wright is indeed a loony. But loonier than Sarah Palin? Check her out and see what you think: Ruth Bryant Wright

Intermission

Barack Obama is taking a couple days away from the trail to visit his ailing grandmother. John McCain suspended his entire campaign to personally fuck up negotiations on the bail out bill. So why can't I take a day off from commenting about politics to dwell on other matters?

Let's have a little breather, and consider something pleasant for a change.

Here's a bit of glurge I recently stumbled across. The headline and pic are presented below.

Mother Chimp Enjoys Rare White Tiger

Aww! Now this is the type of story tha... Stand by. Wait a minute. Here's a breaking update:

White Tiger Enjoys Mother Chimp Rare

Er, ok. Wow. Perhaps we'll go back to the political scene...

Northup FAIL

Former Kentucky congresswoman and current political leper Anne Northup recently went toe-to-toe with her successor, 3^rd District Rep. John Yarmuth, in a debate sponsored by the Louisville Forum. At one point, each candidate was given the opportunity to ask the other a question. What did the gravel-voiced Bush backer slam her opponent with? His support for the War on Christmas.

That's right. Apparently having no ammo on Yarmuth's record regarding job creation, health care, Iraq, or other issues close to the hearts of bluegrass voters, Northup chose to shine a spotlight on her opponent's shameless disregard for Jesus's b-day. John voted "present" instead of "yes" on a resolution honoring the yuletide holiday. And, apparently, the angels wept.

Yarmuth explained that his vote was a protest of a gesture that, in fact, trivialized Christmas, since it followed meaningless measures such as one designating "Watermelon Month" and another creating "National Marina Day."

He felt Congress had more serious problems to address. Readers of Louisville's Courier-Journal seemed to agree.

Northup first lost her seat to Yarmuth two years ago in a nationwide voter rebellion against the the administration's party. Then, she lost her bid for Kentucky governor –  in her party's primary. Now, Anne hopes her third time will be a charm. Truth is, Nov. 4 will likely be the final line in her political obituary.

Goodbye, Anne. We knew you all to well.

Biden His Time

There are some things money can’t buy

But not in Washington

For everything else, there’s MasterCard^®

Accepted everywhere Image is King

The Official Card of the Next Great Depression^TM

Fringie o' the Day: Mark Graham

This independent candidate from Okeechobee, FL, is a youth football coach working on his B.S. in Computer Science. You may think he has little political experience, but he's already built a shutter to nowhere. Today's fringie: Mark Graham.

Mr. Mark Graham is ready to talk about the kitchen table issues

Say It Ain't So, Joe!

After 26 references to Joe the frinkin' Plumber in last night's presidential debate, I actually began to feel bad for that schlep. I figured I knew what was coming, and I was right. The media pounced.

Throughout the day, breaking stories about this man came splashing across the news sites and political blogs.

It seems Joe owes some $1000+ in back taxes. Ouch. I'm sure he was happy to see the world learn about that. But, you know, shit happens.

Also, he doesn't actually have a plumber's license. Hmm. Well, he says, his current job doesn't require one. Ok. Fine.

Then came the fact that the question he posed to Obama –  the one that prompted all that jibba-jabba at the debate and set in motion a national news obsession with his identity –  was based on a false pretense. According to The New York Times, "If [Joe's] gross receipts from his business are $250,000 –  and not his taxable income –  then he would not have to pay higher taxes under Mr. Obama’s plan, and probably would be eligible for a tax cut."

You douchebag! All this hullabaloo, including your subsequent Barry-bashing and alleged distain for "spreading the wealth around," and you'll end up making more money under Obama's policies than you would under McCain's?

Well then. Let's get some things straight, Joe. According to government records, you have never served an apprenticeship and don't belong to the plumbers union. You don't have a plumber's license or a contractor's license, which means you're not buying a plumbing/contractor business anytime soon. And you are related to Charles Keating. Of Keating Five fame. As in, the shame of one Sen. John McCain.

So, no, Joe. I don't feel for your Mr. Clean-looking ass anymore. You misrepresented yourself and your intentions, so you deserve the big ol' shit storm you have wrought upon yourself. In fact, I hear there's even more stuff about you –  bad stuff, evil stuff –  that's only now coming to light. For example:

Top Ten Things We Are Just Now Learning About Joe the Unlicensed Plumber

This Just In...

ELIZABETHTON, Tenn. –  A new father has secretly named his baby girl Sarah McCain Palin after the Republican ticket for president and vice president.

Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put the name on documents for the girl's birth certificate instead of the name Ava Grace, which he and his wife had previously agreed upon. He said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to "to get the word out" about the campaign.

"I took one for the cause," said Ciptak, who acted without the consent of his wife. "I can't give a lot of financial support for the campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little else."

And this just in:

An Elizabethton, TN, woman has reportedly strangled her husband and impaled his corpse with a yard sign.

War of the Words, Part 3

Tonight's third and final face-off was the best debate of the year. It was substantive, detailed and informative. Mac turned in his strongest showing to date. Barry, on the other hand, seemed a little professorial and remote. It was a tight contest. I have to award overall performance to McCain on points.

The line of the night goes to McCain: "I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run four years ago."

The hot topic had to be "Joe the Plumber," an Ohio voter Barry talked to in a rope line recently. Will he benefit more under Obama's tax plan or McCain's? Who knows, but with I'm betting we're gonna find out soon enough.

In the end, despite Mac's solid job, there was no game-changer this evening. In the end, this may go down as strike three for the Republican ticket.

UPDATE

A CNN snap poll suggests my previous statement may be correct.

Question: Who did the best job in tonight's debate?

Answer: Barack Obama, 58%; John McCain, 31%.

Forecasting the Weatherman: Congrats Gordon & Jennie!

During a recent interview, John McCain said Obama's remark that "I didn't have the guts" to talk about William Ayers in the last presidential debate have "probably ensured" that the former 1960s radical will come up this time around.

Since then, the buzz surrounding tonight's face-off between the candidates has centered on when and how this exchange will occur. Now you can weigh in too!

Email me the time (hour & minute) you think Johnny Mac will play the guilt-by-association card. The person closest to the mark will win a Barack Obama bumper sticker and 15 seconds of fame here at jericks.com.

In addition, an honorable mention will be given to the person who correctly guesses the number of times Mac uses the phrase "my friends." (Don't make that a drinking game –  you're likely to die of alcohol poisoning).

Send your before the start of tonight's debate at 9pm EST, and good luck!

 ~~~~~    UPDATE: THE WINNERS    ~~~~~

Gordon Taulbee correctly guessed when McCain would bring up William Ayers: 9:37pm.

Way to go, Gordon!

Jennie Mulhall came closest to guessing the number of times John McCain said "my friends." (Only once!) Congrats Jennie!

All other entrants will receive a year's supply of Turtle Wax.¹

With 21 Days, Can Anything Bail Out Johnny Mac?

With just three weeks left in this presidential election marathon, Barry is putting the hurt on Johnny Mac. I mean, he is running away with this thing. He currently leads in every national poll and is pulling ahead in every major battleground state. By wide margins, Americans say they feel Obama is the better choice for issues like the economy, social security, health care and government reform. He's even taken the lead over McCain on the question of who can best handle the war in Iraq.

In the meantime, McCain is seeming more erratic and less in touch with the problems of average middle class citizens. His camp has become a house divided. Palin is firing up the base, but her numbers are falling steadily among everyone left of Mussolini. Conservative commentators are pointing fingers or jumping ship. And New Republic's Howard Wolfson has even written a "pre-mortem" for the campaign.

With no precedent for the massive eleventh-hour resurrection he needs, the question looms: Can anything resuscitate John McCain's seemingly DOA White House bid?

To paraphrase an old friend, in American politics, nothing is unpossible.

However, some things are more within the realm of plausibility than others. Lets take a look at what may or may not happen over the next twenty-one days to turn the tide for the Republican ticket.

What could do the trick

What won't matter

In short, don't nobody start counting chickens. Overconfidence leads to complacency, and complacency to defeat. If Barry's going to win this race, he's got to sprint all the way through the tape.

That being said, Johnny better dig out his rosary beads. Because he's gonna need one hell of a Hail Mary to pull this one out of his septuagenarian pucker hole.

UPDATE: "For those of you who are feeling giddy or cocky or think this is all set, I just have two words for you: New Hampshire. I've been in these positions before when we were favored, and the press starts getting carried away and we end up getting spanked." ¹

–  Barack Obama, Oct. 16

With Apologies to Sheena Easton

"He never moved to Washington. Instead, night after night, week after week, year after year, he returned home to Wilmington on a lonely Amtrak train when his Senate business was done."

– Barack Obama, talking about his running mate Sen. Joe Biden

He wakes up every mornin'
And glides right out of bed
Preps by checking headlines
Another day ahead
It seems to last forever
And time goes slowly by
Until they reach a quorum
Then it starts to fly

‘Cause the moment they’re in session
Measures start to pass
With markups and amendments
And riders out the ass
But night time is the right time
With a cough,
He motions for adjournment
Then he takes off

Joe Biden takes the morning train

He works in Washington and then

He takes another home again

When he’s done legislating

He goes into committee

Or to the Senate floor

To cast a nay vote

For drilling off shore

Then sponsors legislation
That’s out of sight
And threatens filibuster
To make it come out right

Joe Biden takes the morning train

He works in Washington and then

He takes another home again

When he’s done legislating

Ten-Point Comeback Plan for McCain/Palin

Trailing his Democratic opponent by eight points with just 22 days left before voters take to the polls, John McCain came out today with a new stump speech, a new tone, and a new blueprint to wrest this election back from Barack Obama.

In the meantime, his campaign remains divided; split on which tact to take and how to control its message. Negative ads and incendiary rallies have backfired. The CW suggests Mac needs to return to his populist roots and talk policy. Yet, in a demonstration of his team's indecisiveness, a proposed address on economic initiatives was on, off, then on again this afternoon. In the end, nothing of substance was introduced to counter Obama's own economic agenda put forth today in Toledo.

But Mac has always been a come-from-behind guy. He's used to the underdog spot, and today claimed he and his people have the competition "right where we want them." Is this claim bravado? Denial? Or does he really have a few wild cards up his sleeve?

Through a series of secretive negotiations (that, unfortunately, involve some rather distasteful sexual favors), jericks has obtained an internal document outlining Mac's ten-point plan to reignite his free-falling campaign. Will it work? Read below and judge for yourself.

Over the next several days, McCain will:

Nuts Submit Fudged Voter Forms

More than 2,000 voter registration forms filed by a liberal activist group in northern Indiana last week have turned out to be bogus. The group – the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, or ACORN – already faces allegations of filing fraudulent voter registrations in Nevada and faces investigations in other states.

Election officials first became suspicious upon reviewing the applications of Herbie Hind, Mike Rotch, and Oliver Klohzov.

The M Word, Part 2: Family Matters

Know who’s POed over McCain’s unrelenting use of the term 'maverick'?

The Mavericks.

The great, great granddaughter of Samuel Augustus Maverick – from whom the term first entered the American lexicon – has even launched a Web site to register her disapproval and distance her kin from Mac & Co.

Notes Fontaine Maverick: "As supporters of the Democratic candidate Barack Obama, whose values are much closer to their family tradition, members of the Texas family oppose the co-opting of their name to promote the current Republican Presidential ticket."

Apparently, the Mavericks don't have a problem with Ford's sport compact, Tom Cruise's Top Gun character or Madonna's record label. But a GOP presidential candidate? That's just one appropriation too far.¹

Incidentally, it was Sam's grandson, U.S. Rep. Maury Maverick, who coined the term gobbledygook. That's someone who knows "straight talk" when he hears it.

CNN is Worth ... Oh, You Know: Part 3

Has CNN sold out? Has the Most Trusted Name in News lost its way? Has this standard-bearer of the industry compromised it's journalistic integrity and transformed itself into an outlet of mealy-minded infotainment?

Naw, they're doing just fine. Why, just look at one of the red hot stories they're breaking today:

And see that little icon on the right? That means you can get this headline on a t-shirt.

One of these days I fully expected the outraged corpse of Edward Murrow to burst forth from its  grave, rip the droning head off Wolf Blitzer and pinch a giant zombie loaf down his neck.

A Case Not So-well Made

In a recent hatchet job commentary, conservative commentator Thomas Sowell employed a dubious tactic to question the personal integrity of Barack Obama. In response, I penned the following note. I would liked to have tacked it to Sowell's thick skull, but, alas, had to settle for submitting it to the local newspaper:

Fringie o' the Day: Arthur J. Regan

In an age when so few candidates truly distinguish themselves, Arthur Regan possesses something the others don't.

A cape.

Also, a very unique way with words. Notes today's fringie: "A Vote Unto Me is Truthfully You Voting Unto Yourself."

You can't argue with that. Indeed, I wouldn't know how to try.

I give you Arthur J. Regan.

The M Word, Part 1: An Open Letter to John McCain

What's in a Word?

Below are the number of times certain words and phrases were used during last night’s presidential debate in Nashville. I present them free of comment and context, so that you may draw your own conclusions.

Ok, so one comment. If you're wondering how we got in the current financial mess, it's probably because our leaders care six times more about Wall St. than Main St.

(And the word on the street is that John McCain hopped in his gold-plated caddy, got drunk and bought some hair plugs from a stinking corpse.)

The Music City Melee ... In Real Time

Overall, I'd call this thing a draw. Mac's good lines were better than Obama's, but his bad lines were worse. And he made several jokes than fell flat. Barry seemed to do better with the dial testing but he was still a little stiff. Both approached, but did not fully achieve, what I said they needed to do in my previous entry. Mac didn't exactly help his cause but he didn't hurt it either. I enjoyed the sparks, but most voters probably did not.

There wasn't any new ground covered. Both candidates mostly steered the questions back to their stump speeches, but that was no surprise. 

CNN snap poll: Of debate viewers, 54% thought Obama did a better Job, 30% said McCain.

There are a lot of numbers coming out of this survey, and so far, Barry has bested McCain in every head-to-head. Perhaps the most telling item was this: In response to the question "Who would better handle the economy?", folks went for Obama, 59% to 37%. Proclaimed John King, master of the magic CNN electoral map wall, "If those numbers hold, game over."

War of the Words II: A Preview

Televised debates are to elections what swimsuit competitions are to beauty pageants.

It's been that way since 1960, when Kennedy wiped the floor with Nixon, not because his arguments were better, but because he wore make-up and Tricky Dick looked sweaty and stubbled.

That's why these things are something of a guilty pleasure for me. I know it's all about image and perception, manipulation and spin, style rather than substance. It's part advertising, part psychology, and part great big iron-clad balls.

The goal is to scoop up as many as you can of the very few so-called undecided voters that remain in play. These folks fall mostly into two categories: Those who have already, in fact, made up their minds, but aren't admitting it; and absolute dip shits.

I say the remainder are dip shits because if they are still undecided at this point, they aren't paying attention. The choices are clear and sharply defined, and have been for nearly a year. The person who still doesn't know which lever he's pulling has no ideas or ideology, and is almost certain to make his pick based on the last sound bite or poll result he heard before entering the booth.

With the superficial-trumps-substantive law of debates in mind, let's now review what the candidates need to do tonight to shepherd some of these folks to their side of the field.

McCain

During the last debate, McCain was all wound-up. He refused to acknowledge Obama's presence on stage – as if he were so disgusted he couldn't bear to look at him – and often appeared as though he was crushing gravel with his ass. As his luck has soured in recent weeks, he has become visibly agitated and gruff, acting like the Walter Matthau of presidential politics. Between his terse interactions with the press and the increasing negativity of his campaign, he is reinforcing the idea that he's a crotchety, short-tempered old man whose decision skills are erratic at best.

To counter that perception, he needs to be loose and light tonight. He's got to stay off the defensive and tap into his trademark humor. Mac does very well in these town hall forums. At his best, he has an openness and ease with people that Obama can't match. If he turns on the charm, he'll disarm his audience.

Obama

Obama can seem aloof and distant when discussing complex issues. It's like his eyes gloss over once the wheels start spinning. His cool, unflappable nature may be an overall asset, but if it surfaces this evening he'll reinforce the idea that he's an out-of-touch elitist.

So Barry needs to come down to earth. He needs to use plainspeak, make solid eye contact with his questioner, and smile more. His task is to demonstrate empathy and warmth.

In summation: McCain needs to be more Reagan, less Dole; Barry has to channel more Clinton, less Gore.

One more thing. McCain has much more on the line tonight. What he really needs is a so-called game-changer. He's not likely to get that, but he can stanch the bleeding if he performs well.

The tension's high, the stakes are higher. The gloves are off and the party is just getting started. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble.

Fringie o' the Day: James McCall

Today’s candidate has the catchiest political jingle I’ve heard this year. Ok, the only political jingle I’ve heard this year. But man is it good. Especially his spoken word interlude. So turn up your speakers and enjoy the down home musical stylings of the James McCall Players!

James McCall

(Bonus: Watch for the creepy head-bobbing eagle eating the Constitution!)

A Place in Hell for Women Who Misquote Other Women

Hello there, my fellow Americans. It’s me, Sarah.

Ya know, I just wanted to talk straight to ya today, rather than havin my words filtered through the liberal, elitist, northeast corridor, mainstream, communist medya.

The other day, while talkin to some of you good folks down there in Californya, I mentioned a certain quote from a certain former Secretary of State who will remain unmentionable, if ya get my drift. Anyhoos, this person said that there was a place in h-e-double-hockey-stick for women who don’t vote for other women to become vice president. When I saw this line on my Starbuck’s cup, I thought, "Wow – who is Madeleine Albright? And how’d she get so darn smart?" Of course, a member of my staff later told me that she was Bill Clinton’s secretary or some such thing, which I thought must have been an awful job, the poor thing. But somehow, through it all, this brave lady had the Providential inspiration to say that thing she said, just so it would be printed on my mocha grande and inspire me to say it right back to you guys.

Now I know what you’re thinkin: "Why Sarah Barracuda Batoota! You can’t just go round quotin Demoncrats."

I know! They’re always wrong about everything. You can’t trust a thing they say. Unless they say something you want to co-opt, and then it’s ok, ya know, cause ya kinda make it yours.

My point here is that now the left-wing, out-of-touch, holier-than-though, fancy lettuce-eatin medya has gone and misquoted my misquote. They’re makin it look like I said something I really did, instead of something I meant, which they know darn-tootin is what I didn’t intend to do. But, hey, there they go again, doggone it. Ya just can’t trust em. Say it ain’t so, Joe. Lipstick on a pitbull. Hockey.

So I figure it’s up to me to straighten this whole mess out, just like it was up to me to bring new life to the Republican ticket or fire that policeman who was so mean to my sister. Therefore, I'm gonna go on all those big news networks – ya know, FOX, and the O’Reilly Network, and Hannity without Combs – and take my case right to the Supreme Court of Joe Sixpack. I’m gonna push back and fight this one out, maverick-style, cause, ya know, I’m mad as heck and I’m not gonna take it anymore.

Ya know, that line was in some movie where a guy told people to turn off their TVs. He said just switch em off, quit watchin, quit feedin into all the bunk. And that’s what we should do. Just turn off the medya. Turn em off, with all their silly questions and gotcha journalism and fact-checking and whatnot. Go on, now. Turn it all off!

But wait til after my spot on Greta tonight at 10. [wink]

Thanks for listenin! Go Aces!

~ Sarah

    xxoo

A Little Street Sense

Note to all media types and politicians: You are hereby ordered to abstain from all future statements combining the phrases "Wall Street" and "Main Street."

Yes, for a time it was a clever way to distinguish between the financial woes of banks vs. those of the common folk. The first person to use this slogan should be quite proud. The gazillionth person should not. It is no longer sharp. It is no longer witty. It is grating, hackneyed and lame. Move on.

While we’re at it, here are some other eye-rolling euphemisms we’d be better off without:

I'm none too fond of of "bailout" either, but I suppose it’s better than the misleadingly sterilized "rescue package." I mean gimme a break. We’re throwing money at banks, not dropping food rations from helicopters.

Fringie o' the Day: Michael David Elder

You know, I like this whole "United States" thing. The name, I mean. It sounds so democratic and new world. But sometimes I long for the past. I feel a certain nostalgia for the old days. You know, the old days. As in the Age of Empire.

Oh, it was much simpler then, my friends. No push polling. No 527s. In fact, no elections. At least not for chief executive. But there was a sense of Duty. Honor. Pride. And shitting-in-your-pants Terror.

From what I can tell, today's featured nutjob candidate is not advocating for anything quite that drastic, despite his proposal for a new constitution and an Imperial Republic of America. But, hey, judge for yourself.

All the way from Dallas, Texas, I give you today's fringie, Michael David the Elder

Are you ready for Michael Elder's IRA?

John Yarmuth is Shorter Than You Think,

And He's Pissed About the Bailout Plan

While sampling the strange art and cheap wine of Louisville's Market Street Gallery Hop, my friends and I stumbled upon a familiar face – Kentucky's 3^rd District representative, John Yarmuth. And when I say "stumbled upon," I mean it. Had he not been surrounded by a small contingency of sycophants constituents, we might have stepped right on him.

"Where is he?" one late arriving friend asked.

"See that stroller?" I said, "He's either behind it or in it."

Because Mr. Yarmuth may be a big man around town, but face-to-face he's downright Kucinich-sized.

Anyway, once the shock over his diminutive stature wore off, we gathered round to meet the man who once vanquished the vile beast they call Northup. The circumstances hardly permitted me to do a proper interview, but I was able to throw him some quick softballs.

Asked about his first two years on the Hill, the freshman congressman replied, "It's been a wild ride so far. I'm having the time of my life."

"What's your opinion of this year's Republican presidential ticket?"

"Heh, heh. Well, you know what we call them around the office? 'Nut and Nutter'," he said.

Not a great joke, really, but a safe one considering all he knew about us was that we were Democrats. Now on to a more pressing issue.

"Are you relieved to have the bailout bill off your plate?" I asked.

"No, no," he moaned, shaking his head with disgust, "There's nothing about this that feels good."

With disarming candidness, Yarmuth conceded, "I'm angry at the administration for dumping this on us right now, during this election season. And I'm angry at our leadership for forcing it down our throats."

"You know, sometimes I find I just have to hold my nose and vote," noted one member of my party.

"Yep," replied Yarmuth, "And that's just about what I did."

According to a SurveyUSA poll released September 8, Congressman Yarmuth leads former representative Anne Northup, 53% to 45%, with only 2% undecided. Though a seemingly comfortable margin at this late date, the gap is down from a 10 point advantage in July and a 17 point lead in June. Here's to hoping the current anti-Republican sentiment prevails and John is returned to Washington this spring.

UPDATE: In a Courier-Journal Op-Ed published Tuesday, Yarmuth explains his vote on the bailout bill. Was this a "you heard it here first" moment for jericks?

Fringe Candidate o' the Day: Jeff Boss

Sick of all the jibba-jabba over BarryO and Johnny Mac? Looking for a Third Way?

Meet the other candidates for president.

No, not Cynthia McKinney, Green Party; Bob Barr, Reform Party; or Ralph Nader, Squinty-Eyed Spoiler Party. You already know them. I mean the other, other candidates. Those regular Joes and Janes with the fresh ideas, unmitigated moxie and colorful DSM-IV diagnoses who can add a little spice to this year's otherwise hum-drum slate of conventional pols.

For example...

The man in today's spotlight is boss. Jeff Boss, that is. And believe me well I tell you, he knows a thing or two about Government.

No Runs, No Hits, but No Errors:

Caribou Barbie Finds Her Voice for Veep Debate

Whoa! Where has this woman been?

Governor and moose-dressing MILF Sarah Palin mostly acquitted herself at tonight's VP debate in St. Louis, delivering a smooth, confident and articulate performance. Although still irritatingly folksy, her execution was head and shoulders and knees and toes above the Katie Couric clusterfuck that's been airing for the past week. Even knowing that the McCain camp has been feverishly working to lower expectations, I was surprised by how well she held her own going toe-to-toe with an outspoken 26-year Senate veteran.

Not to diminish the Democratic candidate's disciplined performance. Tonight the gaffe-prone Biden stayed on-topic and fumble-free, demonstrating competence and strength of character. He exercised enormous restraint — displaying toughness but not condescension — toward a foil who sometimes seemed to bait him. Had not all eyes been on Palin, Joe's hands-down victory would have been tomorrow's storyline.

But this show was about Sarah Barracuda, and she was tasked with two assignments:

Number one, reassure and reinvigorate the base. To this end she was successful.

Number two, win friends and influence indies. Here she scored no real points. Although her safe, party line responses were certain to play well with conservatives, she missed crucial opportunities to reach out to the moderate undecideds her ticket desperately needs.

By Washington standards, the lipsticked pit-bull gave a somewhat uneven performance. Throughout the first half of the evening, e.g. discussing energy independence, she appeared well-informed and self-assured. When it came to foreign policy, however, she was obviously out of her element.

But no major missteps. So if your requirement of a VP is merely that he/she do no harm, the governor rose to the occasion. The question is, do you want your candidate's performance to yield a better reaction than a sigh of relief?

Random observations:

UPDATE: CNN snap poll.

Of those who watched the debate, 51% thought Biden won; 36% said Palin.

But to the credit of the low-bar tactic, 84% said Palin did better than they expected.

Save Me, Sarah!

Lately I’ve been listening to Sarah Palin, and let me tell you, I’m glad I am! I had no idea so many people were out to misinform and confuse me.

Of course I’d already been ignoring Hollywood, San Francisco, everyone in the north east corridor, unions, activists, scientists, college professors, authors and academics, and people who like peppery lettuce. Now I find I have to ignore the news. And not just The New York Times and MSNBC, mind you. All the news. Because, apparently, you can’t trust journalists – they’re elitist.

In fact, I hear the real problem is "The Media." So no magazines, movies, TV or Internet either. (Books are ok, I think. The ones that don’t get burned.)

All I can say is thank God for preachers and Republican politicians. They’re the only reliable sources of unbiased information left!

The Limping Duck Quacks

Remember G-Dubya? It's been a while since we heard anything from him. But tonight, he commandeered the airwaves to instill a healthy sense of fear in Americans about the present economic crisis. The solution he's peddling: bail out our major financial institutions to the tune of $700 billion.

Is this legislation appropriate and necessary?

Who knows? American economics is about as strange and inexplicable as the mating habits of elephant seals. The point is that we got one last chance to see the man who has butt-fucked us for eight years as he fumbled and stumbled his way through a prime-time address.

Ah, the blank stare. The mechanical delivery. The careful pronunciation of words he doesn't entirely understand. He looks less like the leader of the free world than a socially insecure tween delivering a middle school book report. Every time he gives one of these straight-to-the-American-people addresses, I imagine he leaks just a little bit in his briefs.  

It's ok, George. It'll all be over soon.

115 days and counting...

The Maverick Stalls

Tally-ho, politicos and Hill watchers — the game is afoot! It was a busy day in American politics, especially on the campaign trail. Let's briefly review the chronology.

First, BarryO contacted the McCain camp to discuss the idea of issuing a joint statement on the current financial FUBAR. Mac returned the call six hours later with an up in the ante: a halt to campaigning and a postponement of Friday's scheduled debate. Although Obama thought this was merely a proposal for consideration, Johnny officially announced his intent to proceed in this direction seconds after hanging up the phone. Barry responded by saying that the upcoming show must go on and that McCain needed to learn how to multitask. Then Dubya invited them both over to the White House to ask why their political brinksmanship/pissing contest was getting all the press and his announcement of a prime time address was pushed to the equivalent of Page Six.

Meanwhile, Harry Reid was telling Mac thanks but no thanks on his offer to build a bipartisan bridge to nowhere and polls poured in showing that Main Street had a problem with golden parachutes while Joe Sixpack faced his foreclosure notice with nothing but an admonishment for bad decision making.

Whew! It's as if the day's script were written by Aaron Sorkin on blow. ¹

Mac's tactic, while perhaps post-partisan and presidential to drinkers of the Straight Talk Kool-Aid, smacks of political calculation. Both his affiliation (the party of the half trillion dollar deficit) and his own admission ("The issue of economics is something that I've really never understood as well as I should.") demonstrate him to be the lesser candidate when it comes to the country's financials. Thus, the opportunity to appear proactive and bold in this arena must have been impossible to let slip by.

So onward marches McCain in his no-campaigning campaign. Will his attempt to steal BarryO's economic cred work? Will his goal of proving himself a "country first" maverick be successful? Only time will tell.

But I suspect this scheme will backfire, and the American public — as oblivious as it sometimes seems — will indeed see the maneuver for the refocusing ploy that it is.

For one thing, Mac's timing is suspect in the extreme. Aside from his painfully misguided comment that "the fundamentals of our economy are strong," John has been notoriously absent from any discussion of America's financial crisis to date. To weigh in now seems a little like shutting the barn door after the horses have fled. As Politico contributor Ben Smith notes, "The only thing that's changed in the last 48 hours is the public polling."

Secondly, you can't walk away from a fight just because you're losing. If ever there were undeniable rules in life, it would be these: There's no crying in baseball, and there are no time outs in politics.

A Mighty Wind

Holy shite.

The remnants of Hurricane Ike reached L'ville recently with an appetite for destruction. Though lacking the storm's coastline precipitation, wind gusts reached an alarming 75 mph, sending shingles flying and power lines crashing. Initial reports indicated electricity outages for three-quarters of regional LG&E customers. Gasoline lines ensued as service stations dealt with power outages and runs on petrol.

My own street was blocked by half a tree. 

Reports of My Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated

or...

How I Spent My Summer Vacation Not Blogging

It feels good to be back at the keyboard. I got a new 'puter, a new look for the site, new chips on my shoulder and new hairs up my arse.

So much has happened over the past several weeks:

Oh, those crazy, hazy days of summer.

But the fall is here now, and with it, the promise of all new stupid shit to dwell upon, rant about or scratch one's head over. I'll being doing all three. I hope you'll join me.

Tuesday night.

As 9:30pm rolled around, Hillary Clinton took the stage in New York. Buzz about a concession had been squelched earlier in the day by Campaign Chair Terry McAuliffe. Yet Obama had just surpassed the magic number needed to secure the Democratic nomination. I didn't know if Clinton would actually concede or merely suspend her campaign. But that was just semantics, I figured, because a corner had been turned. Now, finally, would come the graciousness. The respect. The unity. She would congratulate him, show him a little love, perhaps even note what an historic day it had been. I prepared to release my frustration with her. It was time to move on, come together, stand side-by-side and ... what did she just say?

What the fuck did she just say?

Oh, no, she didn't!

Well, you know what happened. Yada, yada, I'm the better candidate. Yada, yada, my fuzzy math says I won the popular vote. Yada, yada ... I ain't going nowhere. Now get fired up and pissed off and flood my Web site with emails I can shove down Howard Dean's throat. And somebody get me a fucking tiara!

Needless to say, I spent the better part of the next morning seething. But by lunchtime, I was prepared to organize my thoughts enough to shoot a note to the local paper. It would have been longer but a) they only print 200 words or less, and b) in my typing rage I'd knocked most of the letters off my keyboard.

Anyway, here's what I had to say:

Update, June 4: Tonight the Clinton camp announced that Hillary will suspend her campaign — though not concede defeat — on Saturday. What's the difference? Clinton will keep her delegates for now. This approach allows her to remain viable as a candidate up until the National Convention. It also, theoretically, gives her some leverage in pushing whatever may be on her agenda.

It's gonna be a big week.

Anyone with basic counting skills realized in April that the question of Obama's nomination was one of when, not if. Since that time, if not longer, we have been living in the slightly surreal world of Hillary Clinton's denial. It is a place of frolicking unicorns, rainbow sandwiches and November ballots emblazoned with her name. Nevertheless, this long national nightmare known as the Democratic nominating process is almost over. This time next week the only remaining White House-related race will be the general election, and Sen. Clinton will be standing behind Barack Obama instead of in his face.

What will it all look like? Well let's break it down Harry Pinter-style (reverse chronological order).

The end will come in the form of a *gasp* concession speech by Clinton. Barring any extraordinary outcome from Saturday's DNC Rules Committee Meeting, that address may come as early as June 3 or as late as June 6. I'm predicting the latter. According to ABC News, "The press traveling with Sen. Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign received an email Thursday afternoon informing reporters they could sign up for travel through June 6 on the campaign website."

Just prior to that event will be a mass movement of currently uncommitted superdelegates to the Barry Obama column. I'm talking dozens, at least 50 and maybe 100 or so. Some political gawkers (I among them) believe Obama has already secured enough supers to hit the glorious 2026 mark, but wants to a) let pledged delegates push him over the top, and b) see what happens with Saturday's DNC Rules Committee Meeting.

Now right before the superdel announcement will be what I affectionately call Flat Tuesday — the Montana and South Dakota primaries. These are the last nominating contests on the 2008 calendar. With 31 total delegates at stake, they're about as exciting as your aunt's vacation pics, but they represent a collective "phew!" for the party. Obama could win both of these states, and if he calculates well, he can release just enough superdelegate endorsements beforehand to allow them bump him into the promised land (depending on the results of the DNC Rules Committee Meeting).

Two days before the Big Sky contests will be the Puerto Rico primary. That's 55 delegates (WTF? They don't even have any Electoral College votes!). This may be Clinton's last win, but I suspect the Obama campaign will make an endorsement announcement (either a name or a number) within a day to steal her fire ala West Virginia/John Edwards.

Have I mentioned the DNC Rules Committee Meeting lately?

Because that is the only thing in this upcoming week that really matters. At tomorrow's DNC Rules & Bylaws Committee Meeting, 30 high-ranking Democrats will hear Hillary's last sales pitch, decide what to do with Florida's and Michigan's convention delegates, and effectively pull the shroud over the Clinton campaign. What Hillary wants is for the committee to seat all delegates from both states in accordance with the votes in their respective primaries. This will not happen, for at least two reasons.

First is that it would completely undermine Howard Dean et al. The Democratic parties in these states willfully broke the rules by bumping up their primaries, despite repeated warnings of repercussions. The DNC has to penalize them somehow, and a diminished level of influence at the convention, via reduced representation, is the only way to do that.

Second is that — HELLO! — Obama withdrew his name from the Michigan ballot in accordance with the DNC ruling. Hillary, of course, left her name on, and did so in anticipation of this very circumstance. This is the tried-and-true Clinton strategy of manufacturing a loophole for subsequent exploitation. The DNC can't very well punish the candidate who most fully adhered to its policy while rewarding the one who flip-flopped her position on the issue, then attempted to gain advantage by fanning the fires of discontent and making national party leaders out to be assholes.

Now the rules committee consists of 13 Clinton supporters, eight Obama supporters and seven members who have not yet endorsed. Even if Clinton's peeps fell fully in line with her wishes, they don't represent a majority.  Add that fact to the buzz of Clinton "defections" within the committee, the ever-growing chorus of Dem leaders demanding an end to the process, good common sense and fair play, and what you get is ... well, not what Hillary wants or needs.

The end result will be a compromise: Almost certainly a ruling that 50% of each state's delegates will be seated. This still won't be fair to Obama, but — and here's the compromisey part — it won't hurt him overall because the decision itself will mean the end of Hillary's challenge. Though such a ruling would raise the magic number from 2026 to something like 2118, it won't score Clinton the 200 pledged delegates she needs to close her ever-growing gap.

And so, to frame this all with pundit-like hyperbole, The Race for the Democratic Nomination will end tomorrow. It will end, as someone I know once prophesied, not with a bang but with a whimper. Not with a landslide victory, but a tiny little defeat, dealt by a tiny little committee on a Saturday afternoon.

Now if you're still reading, and you're just sick for more information, you can catch Political Insider's pre-game analysis of tomorrow's meeting. Also, on Huffington Post, you can read up on just who the hell these Rules Committee members are.

Enjoy the week, and I'll see you at the general on the other side!

10. What a person wears on his lapel is more important than his Iraq War vote.

9. The only way to change the negative tone in Washington is to elect the candidate who best exploits it.

8. You realize the Bush tax cut was an act of political pandering that only exacerbated the very issue it was alleging to remedy. Unlike, say, a temporary suspension of the federal gas tax.

7. Verbal eloquence and the ability to inspire are weaknesses that reveal a lack of substance and leadership potential, as demonstrated by the likes of Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt and Kennedy.

6. You were outraged when the popular vote was overturned by electoral college delegates. The popular vote should only be overturned by Democratic super delegates.

5. You respect the kind of dogged persistence that puts personal political ambition ahead of party unity.

4. You kinda dig heavy-handed sarcasm.

3. Eight years of cowboy diplomacy, Middle East war and antagonistic relations with the Arab world have increased national security while bolstering the country's international standing. So you're voting for the person who threatened to "obliterate" Iran.

2. Experience. Hillary has eight years' worth of public service as an elected official, whereas Obama only has ten.  

1. America was founded on the principles of dynastic rule and the consolidation of power by an elite subset of the political establishment.

FOX News and other Rupert Murdoch-owned media outlets are reporting a story with grave implications. Apparently, some Argentinean youths have spotted -- and subsequently captured video evidence of -- a small sideways-walking, pointy hat-wearing creature that is being described as a "creepy gnome."

I have another explanation for this event.

First, Turbangate and the Red Phone of Doom. Then, the Rezko trial. Now a memo has surfaced suggesting Obama's NAFTA stance is merely "political positioning." Yes, I'd say the media courtship with BarryO has come to a close. On the eve of what might have been his knockout punch, he is taking hits from every direction. Considering the fact that his Ohio advance has stalled and his new-found national lead is already slipping away, I hereby proclaim the recent run of O-mentum over.

Just when you thought the Democratic nominating process was winding down, a shift in the political winds appears to have blown the U.S.S. Change off course.

So fire up the coffee pot. Get yourself settled in. This race has a few miles left after all.

Two weeks ago, things looked bad for Billary. But in political time, two weeks = an eternity.

Following a string of primary victories, the media all but crowned BarryO the presumptive nominee. As for Billary, the end seemed only a matter of time. Analysts described her remarks at a recent debate as "valedictory." Columnists were falling over themselves to write post-mortems of her campaign. Pundits and commentators began wondering, not if, but when and how she would throw in the towel.

Once again, they got it wrong.

Or perhaps they were just milking the story. Building expectations they knew would come crashing down in order to stoke the embers of a fast-cooling campaign drama. Either way, the night Obama scored his tenth straight win, the press began writing Senator Clinton's political obituary. Let me assure you: Reports of her demise were greatly exaggerated.

Even an amateur Clintonologist can tell you Billary doesn't give up that easily. In fact, Billary doesn't give up. S/He has to be dragged from the ring, kicking and screaming.

Case in point: Last week, the Clinton camp launched its "kitchen sink" scheme. As in, throw everything including the kitchen sink at BarryO in a shameless, desperate attempt to claw back into the race at any cost.

Did you see the pic of Barack in Somalia wearing a turban? Of course you did. Posted on the Drudge Report, it quickly reprinted by every major media outlet in the country. According to Matt Drudge, the photo was given him by a member of Billary's entourage. (Naturally, her peeps deny that claim. But come now. Isn't Drudge just the Brian McNamee to Clinton's Clemens? Sure he's a piece of shit, but of the two, which has a reason to lie here?)

The whole point of releasing the photo was to plant the idea in the minds of voters that Obama is Muslim. This alone would be enough to sour many post-9/11 voters on his candidacy. The explanation behind the image doesn't matter. The truth is irrelevant. All the Billary camp had to do was get that picture out there and let fear and bigotry work its dark magic. Now that's what I call demonstrating old school political experience.

Then there's the Daisy Girl ad she ran down South. Here, Billary plays on voters' fears by asking who you'd want answering the red phone at 3am. Ostensibly, the spot is simply a tool to tout HRC's political résumé. But its true effectiveness derives from its visceral insinuation that the viewer's very way of life is at stake. Thus, you get two versions of the message. Like a record you can play backwards. The lyrics seem to be "Vote for Hillary because she knows the ropes." But subliminally, you're hearing "Vote for Hillary or your sleeping children may die."

Brilliance! That kind of evil genius would indeed make for a cunning leader. If you can trust it.

But that's the sink for you. Or, to use a less antiseptic but more accurate metaphor, it is the act of slinging every ounce of shit you can produce and seeing what sticks to the mark. One may doubt Billary's ability to close this deal. But never underestimate the raw power of the Clinton Machine. It concerns itself not with quant notions of integrity or fair play when the game is afoot. It takes no prisoners, it surrenders no ground, it does not go gentle into that good night.

Mark my words. Hillary Clinton will not withdraw tomorrow night. Hillary Clinton will not withdraw on Wednesday. Hillary Clinton will win Ohio, Rhode Island and probably Texas, giving her the justification she wants and needs to fight on. She will continue to employ Rove-like fear-mongering as a political tactic. She will step up pressure on lost superdelegates to return to her camp. She will push for Michigan and Florida be seated at the Democratic National Convention. She will do whatever it takes to wrest the title of heir apparent back from BarryO.

She was dubbed Comeback Kid after a single post-loss win. Imagine the media coronation awaiting her when she finally puts the brakes on Barry’s O-mentum. Given her bite-and-scratch, dirt-in-the-eyes approach to campaigning and the press's lust for a sensational new story, one should be prepared for a whole new race come Wednesday morning.

Know what happens when you become the favorite? You get screwed coming and going. And this week, BarryO found himself penetrated by the barbed political butt plug of both parties.

First, the Clinton camp slipped Matt Drudge a pic of Obama in Somali dress, including some headwear that looks suspiciously like a turban. Implied message: Barack is Muslim. Then, in an introduction for John McCain, conservative talk radio host Bill Cunningham emphasized Barry's middle name, Hussein, over and over and over again. Implied message: Barack is very Muslin.¹

Certainly, these transparent attempts to stir up fear, confusion and bigotry have not been successful.

Right. What kind of utopian world are you living in, Pollyanna?

When CBS correspondent Steve Kroft interviewed an Ohio voter for a "60 Minutes" segment that aired this evening, the man noted he had some problems with Barack Obama.

"Well I'm hearing he doesn't even know the National Anthem. He wouldn't use the Holy Bible. He's got his own beliefs, with the Muslim beliefs."

Well done!

Religious Intolerance/Unethical Democrats/Rabid Right-Wing Hate Mongers: 1; America: 0.

Last week's "Saturday Night Live" acknowledged what any media watcher or armchair wonk has been aware of for at least a month now: The press is having quite the honeymoon with BarryO. In addition, the major news outlets are experiencing what can best be described as "Clinton fatigue."

Not very fair, certainly. But fear not, Billary. Now that this bias has been brought to light, and emphasized by your whining at the Ohio debate, the pendulum will likely swing the other direction soon. Expect greater scrutiny on the junior senator from Illinois.

Headline from "The most trusted name in news"

And now, here's a run-down of some of the top award-winners at the recent Political Oscars.

Best Actress: Hillary Clinton, for her break-out performance feigning human-like sentimentality at a campaign stop in New Hampshire

Best Actor: Tie — Ron Paul, for his portrayal of a Republican/Fred Thompson, for his portrayal of a candidate

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Bill Clinton, for the exceptional support he has provided the Obama campaign

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Suzanne Craig, wife of Idaho Senator Larry Craig, for her near-convincing performance as a woman who truly believes her husband is straight

Best Score: Dennis Kucinich, for landing a hot young wife whose resume is so much more impressive than his own

Best Animated Short: Robert Reich, for the 4'10" former Labor Secretary's humorous appearances on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and "The Daily Show"

Best Adapted Script: Barack Obama, for his stump version of an inauguration speech by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick

Visual Effects: John Edwards, for his ability to ignite a tiny starburst with every smile

Best Makeup: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, for their endorsement-minded attempts to bury the hatchet with former rival John Edwards

 

and...

Best Picture:

 

This one

(Holy Jesus! That's almost has scary as Dick Cheney's happy face.)

Mad props to Mike Huckleberry for his comedic turn on last evening's Saturday Night Live. Yes, I know he eats popper-fried squirrel, thinks the world is 4000 years old and is, fundamentally, bat-shit nuts. But his self-effacing — dare I say charming — performance on SNL made me forget all that for a moment. Turns out Huck has a natural deadpan delivery and a keen sense of timing. Heck, he's funnier than Dane Cook.¹

Check out Huck's appearance here.

Note to Jon Stewart: With Big Mac preoccupied this election season, I think you may have found a good replacement for Comedy Central's "Indecision 2008" coverage.

Southern Methodist University — the alma mater of First Lady Laura Bush — has been chosen as the future location for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The site will house Bush's presidential writings and correspondence, as well as books and other printed works that have had a particular influence on him. University President Gerald Turner announced that the collection of materials would begin just as soon as they freed up some shelf space in the Humanities Department supply closet.

Best way to watch a political debate? Establish a drinking word. You know, Dubya says "nucular," everybody takes a shot. Unfortunately, it's a school night. And, I've been laid low with a touch of consumption (or something that's making me hack like a coalminer with a 30-year Chesterfield habit). So I skipped the hooch for this evening's Democratic face-off in Austin.

I did, however, take the opportunity to tally some words I thought might surface during the event. Buzz words. Spin words. Words advisors and strategists force feed their candidates until they vomit them back out with vengeance. Among these words: "words." With the recent accusations of "plagiarism" against BarryO, I figured the topic, and the word, would come up. If fact, if I had picked a drinking word, it would have been "words."

So what was gleaned from my little experiment? A bit of data that is probably pointless and irrelevant. But the results are at least as informative as CNN's "dial testing."¹ So I'll share what I found.

The most often used word: "Change." Not much of a surprise to anyone who has been following the race. It's Obama's favorite word and part of his campaign slogan. But it's been co-opted by others, including Billary and Big Mac. It was uttered twelve times tonight: six times by each candidate.

Also popular: "Jobs" and "Together." Can't go wrong with those. The former was split evenly between the two for a total of eight mentions. The latter spoken three times by Clinton, four by Obama.

Now it gets more interesting. "War." Specifically, the War in Iraq. Obama, who has made no secret of his opposition to the conflict, had no trouble saying "war." He did it three times. However Clinton, who voted in support for the invasion of Iraq, couldn't quite bring herself to talk about it much. She did use the word "war" once, though — in reference to "the President's war on science." (heh, heh. Ok. Points for that one.)

What Billary didn't have trouble saying was "Ohio" (3x) or "Texas" (6x). Hmmm. I wonder what that's about. She didn't even mention her adopted home state of New York that often. Know what states she didn't mention at all? Wisconsin and Hawaii.²

Clinton dropped the name of John Edwards twice during the night, an obvious attempt to woo her former rival's supporters and score some points toward an endorsement.

She also used the conservative code word "values" on two occasions. But surprisingly, she only toted out "experience" once. And she even dropped a shocking "bi-partisan" during the evening.

The ever-optimistic Barry was big on "opportunity," with five separate mentions. And he backed it up with two "inspires" and a "hope."

Now, enough words. What about "words"?

Well, the rhetoric over rhetoric was indeed rehashed. In fact, it was the most contentious — though least substantive —  part of the evening. When the topic of Barry's borrowed phrase was broached, Billary ran with it, much to her own peril. Her snarky remark about "change you can Xerox" scored the night's only boos from the audience. She got her "words" out. But she may have been left wishing she'd bit her tongue. The final tally: Clinton, 5; Obama, 3.

And that's eight shots of Captain Morgan's I will very soon have to make good on.

Word Count: Full Results

Obamomentum! 

Cheeseheads, Five-O are 9th & 10th Consecutive Wins

Barack Obama rang up his ninth and tenth straight wins in the race for the Democratic nomination tonight. This alone didn't shock anyone. The Clinton campaign began redrawing its line in the sands of Texas and Ohio weeks ago. But, once again, it was the unexpected that made the evening interesting.

Expected: Obama takes Wisconsin

Unexpected: By double digits

How'd he do it?

BarryO once again pilfered from Billary's fast-fading base to score an impressive 17-point route in the Badger State. Since Super Tuesday, he has significantly improved his standing among the blue-collar crowd, the geriatric scene and whites in general, all of whom had previously leaned toward the former First Lady. Obama even landed in a statistical tie with Clinton for the votes of her last refuge, white women.

Expected: Obama wins his birth state, Hawaii

Unexpected: 3x over

How'd he do it?

Barry apparently rings a bell with surfers. Ok. I don't even know how he did this shit. I mean, 76% to 24%. And that was with Clinton pimping Chelsea out down there.¹  I mean, Christ, Obama could have garnered a third of those votes and still beat her. There is some serious shit going on here. Some kind of voodoo or Svengali-ism or something. 'Cause this thing's only growing.

Bush Disappointed to Learn He Does

Not Get Gifts, Cards for President's Day

Pouting President vows to hold breath "forever."

Hot Off the Wire

February 17, 2008

Birth of a Nation

This one goes out to the world's newest independent state:

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear Kosovo!

Happy Birthday to yoooooou!

nee Serb¹

They tried to make me stay a province, but I said 'no, no, no'

My past as a Serb I've kicked to the curb: I'm Ko-so-vo

Leavin' ain't no crime, and if the UN thinks I'm fine

I'll make myself a sovereign nation, so here I go, go, go

Week in Review

jericks.com Garners Some Big-Time Notice

On February 7, I received the following email from Susan Eisenhower, representative of Neighborhood Link:

You know what this means, don't you? That's right: somebody is actually reading this shit!¹

The gracious Ms. E. goes on to explain that I am welcome to create a page using the template feature on the Neighborhood Link site that, in turn, links here. That's an excellent proposal. If I knew what Neighborhood Link was and how my site got listed there, I might even do that.

(read my reply to the ever-diplomatic Ms. Eisenhower)

Results of the Potomac Primaries

In short:

There were, however, three developments worthy of note this evening.

1. BarryO is Stealing Billary's Peeps

Tonight was big for Obama. He finally surpassed Clinton in the overall delegate count. And he swept the contests with decisive wins in all three states, taking Virginia by a margin of 2-to-1 and the nation's capitol by 4-to-1. But perhaps most significant achievement was the way he did all this. When it comes to base support, BarryO appears to be dipping from the Billary well. In Virginia, Obama beat Clinton among demographic groups that had previously provided her strength. Among women, Barry bested the former first lady 58% to 42%. He captured the majority of voters making less than $50,000 by a similar margin, 59% to 40%. And he made significant inroads in the white vote, securing pale males 54% to 43%. It will be quite interesting to see if these results become a pattern in the upcoming contests.

2. Fundies Put the Screws to Big Mac

Before finally chalking up Virginia in his win column, John got a real run for his money. Hardcore right-wingers and born-agains have been unhappy with the moderate McCain for quite some time. But tonight, those voters sent a warning shot over the bow of the U.S.S. Straight Talk, nearly handing the beltway state of Virginia to Reverend Huckleberry. Will this winter of conservative discontent carry over into next November? Stay tuned.

3. Science Isn't the Only Thing Huckleberry Doesn't Believe In

Apparently, the Rev. Mike has trouble with mathematics as well. This evening, he vowed to fight on in his effort to win the Republican nomination. McCain, the presumptive nominee, is 379 delegates short of securing his party's nod. With a fraction of the organization, money, experience and recognition, Huck would need to gain 974 delegates to hit the magic number. Says the former Arkansas governor, "I majored in miracles, not math." Damn good thing. 'Cause a miracle is what it will take for Huckleberry to wrest the mantle of heir apparent from Big Mac.

Huckleberry Haunted By Own Shadow

Please give to the Shave Mike Huckabee Foundation.

Because a blade is a terrible thing to waste.

Blizzard Hits Louisville; Locals Resort to Cannibalism 

A brutal winter storm swept through the Louisville metropolitan area last night, dumping a full three inches of precipitation on panicked residents and sending local meteorologists into apoplectic frenzies. Yes, the River City proudly displayed its Southern sensibilities as local business ground to a halt, schools shut down, and services suffered in the wake of a snowfall so deep it could almost smother a crippled chipmunk.

"Holy shit," one man¹ was heard to proclaim, "I nearly got my shoes wet!"

Throughout the morning, the few Hoosiers and East End residents who did report to their downtown jobs huffed about bridges and freeways and harrowing ventures into near white-out conditions. Rumors circulated of how police had gone from saying "don't call to report minor traffic accidents" to "just bury the dead beneath the snow drifts."

Of course, many were not so adventurous. The prudent opted to weather conditions in their homes. Those with adequate provisions hunkered down in their blizzard bunkers, rationing out their stockpiles of bread and milk, prepared to rough it out until the April thaw.

In related news, just days after winning a federal trademark declaring it "The Nation's Ice Box,"² temperatures in the town of International Falls, Minnesota, fell to a record 40 below zero.

"Man, I tell you what," snorted Louisville resident Oswald Dern, "After this morning, I know exactly how those folks feel!"

Weekend at Barry's

The past two days have been big for BarryO.

It began Saturday, when the Illinois senator won three states and a protectorate in the Democratic primaries. Obama then swept the weekend by picking up another state, Maine, on Sunday. That evening, the audio recording of the candidate's best-selling book, The Audacity of Hope, won a Grammy for best spoken word album.

Other weekend successes for the fast-rising Barack Star include:

Whether BarryO can parlay his current luck into Tuesday's Potomac Primaries remains to be seen. But his momentum is strong, his base is motivated, and, if one buys in to the media hype, he can be expected to walk right across Chesapeake Bay on the way to his victory speech.

Mittens Bows Out, Hair Endorses Huckabee

In a move that surprised both the media and the majority of his supporters, Mitt Romney suspended his presidential campaign today. Explained the former Massachusetts governor, a continued effort on his part would "forestall the launch of a national campaign, making it easier for Senator Clinton or Obama to win." Romney's remarks dismissed any consideration that his decision was based on the current delegate count, which has him trailing Senator John McCain 286 to 697.

While Mittens is expected to give his endorsement to the very senior senator from Arizona, his well-quaffed 'do has independently made a statement of support for former Arkansas governor Mike Huckleberry.

Cooking With Huckleberry

Musician, Minister, Leader of Men. Mike Dale Huckleberry wears many hats and assumes many roles. But one of this Renaissance man's talents oft goes overlooked: Culinary improvisationalist extraordinaire. Recently, the Commander in Chef tore a page from the recipe book of his past and shared one of his favorite dorm room snacks with MSNBC's Joe Scarborough: popcorn popper-fried squirrel.

Huck really showed his Southern cred with this sweet piece of TMI. Nothing says Leader of the Free World like a youth spent gnawing on acrid-smelling, campus-caught rodent. Yummmm!

Rev. Mike Huckleberry's Smother-Fried Squirrel

	6 young squirrels, cleaned & cut into serving pieces
	1 cup shortening
	3 cups flour
	salt & pepper
	1 cup water
	1 cup milk
	1 small onion, sliced

Clean squirrels thoroughly, making sure to remove any hair and shot shell pellets. Salt and pepper the flour to taste. Heat shortening in a large skillet. Dredge squirrel pieces in flour mixture until well coated. Reserve 1/4 cup of the flour. Fry squirrel in shortening until light brown. Remove, and pat dry with a towel. Add onion to skillet and brown. Add water, milk and 1/4 cup of reserved flour. Stir well. Bring to a boil and add squirrel pieces. Reduce heat and simmer for 5 to 10 minutes.
 

Serve with mashed potatoes and cornbread or biscuits.

Enjoy!

The Thrill of Discovery

Recently, scientists discovered the remains of a 110 million-year-old plant-eating dinosaur in the Sahara dessert. What makes this ancient reptile so remarkable is what researchers and media outlets alike describe as its "vacuum cleaner-like mouth." You see, Nigersaurus taqueti is touted as "a dinosaur with a strange jaw designed to suck like a Hoover."

Below, paleontologist Paul Sereno demonstrates the most thrilling aspect of the creature's distinctive physical attribute.

(A thousand words, indeed.  Two would suffice.)

Putzutawney Bill Sees Self in Wife’s Shadow

Putzutawney Bill — that seer of seers, fornicator of fornicators — exited his den this morning to see his life and legacy cast squarely in the shadow of his wife, New York senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. As a result, a minimum of six more weeks of self-aggrandizing stump speeches was predicted.

Net Failure Halts Access to J-Girl Porn, Nigerian Emails

Internet access was severely disrupted across large swaths of Africa, Asia and the Middle East yesterday as several undersea cable connections were inexplicably cut off the northern coast of Egypt. Web traffic around the globe ground to a halt as users found themselves unable to view pouty Japanese teens in schoolgirl outfits. Also impacted, email users' ability to provide assistance to a Nigerian man requiring a nominal fee to access their lottery winnings.

Exit Edwards

Rudy's Florida Retirement

Well, what do you know.

Apparently, if you're running for a public office — one like, say, President of the United States — you actually have to show up. Even if you're the early favorite. Even if you're generating buzz a year-and-a-half out. You can't just campaign in states you like. Or in the ones with lots of delegates. If you want to have a snowball's chance in the mouth of Jenna Jameson, you need to go to Minburn, Iowa. And Peterborough, New Hampshire. And backwater states like Nevada and Wyoming, which you may feel to be beneath your Gotham sensibilities. And you have to have your name mentioned during a news cycle, just every now and then, once the primary season starts. 

Kids, take note. All you PoliSci majors, write this down. It will be on the test.

Arrogance breeds contempt. And tonight, there are few more contemptible figures in American politics than Rudy Giuliani.

I don't claim to know the mind of Mr. 9/11. I can't say why the former New York mayor allowed his Republican rivals to wrack up win after win while he sat silently on the sidelines. Or why he essentially ignored the first six nominating contests and thought it wouldn't really matter. What I can tell you is what's now, and should always have been, obvious: It was one of the most ill-conceived campaign strategies in modern history.

After putting all his chips on Florida, Giuliani received less than one-half of the votes garnered by the second place finisher. A mere 15% of the total and only 22,000 or so votes away from fourth place.

And so ends the lackluster political career of one Rudolph William Louis Giuliani. A public official whose repression of civil liberties, failed Senate run, and much publicized marital indiscretions were all but forgotten one September day in 2001. Enjoy your retirement, Rudy.

I know I will.

Ill-Informed TV Viewers May Be Forced to Rediscover Life

According to a recent survey, more than a third of Americans are poorly educated about television's impending switch to digital. Some cable and satellite customers incorrectly believe they will have to purchase new equipment, and a large portion of those who will need converters are unaware that government subsidies will be available to help them pay for the devices. Most disturbingly, however, is that many broadcast viewers don't realize their analog signal-receiving sets — as of February 2009 — will display nothing but snow.

"It's an alarming statistic," said FCC Commissioner Michael Copps, speaking at an emergency press conference called to address the results of the study.

"Without a television signal, these individuals will be cut off from important news and information. It may take them days to learn the identity of America's next top model. They will not be aware of how everyday weekend warriors fare against the fiercely fit Gladiators, nor will they be able to gauge the progress Jim and Pam's budding relationship. In fact, without access to even broadcast networks, these poor sons of bitches may be forced to indulge in non-passive, potentially physical activities to pass their time."

While broadcast-only viewers represent a relatively small percentage of Americans, the prospect of them losing television programming altogether has resulted in the mobilization of activists and industry interests throughout the country.

"Think of it. What would they do?" pondered Dr. Oswald Dern, Professor of Broadcast Media at Yale University. "Would they know where to buy things? Or even what to buy? Without the product PSAs, consumers would be confused and uninformed."

And then there's the news. Network Executive Claire DeVoe, who will be speaking on behalf of the four major broadcast networks at a joint session of Congress later this week, is most concerned about viewers being cut off from their local, national and non-African/Asian world reports.

"Sure, they'll get information, somehow," she explained. "I think the larger cities still print the broadsheets. So these people will get the news. But without us, will they know what to think about it?"

The most pressing and universal concern, however, is how the TV-less will spend their non-working, non-sleeping, non-purchasing time.

"That's just not clear," explained Professor Dern. "No one knows. Will they attempt some form of rudimentary communication? Read the Bible? Play a board game? I mean, seriously. What the fuck? I wouldn't wish that kind of existence on my worst enemy."

"Please, God...

...Let this ill-conceived Florida firewall strategy have worked!"

Breaking News: Heath Ledger Still Dead

Independent reports have confirmed that actor Health Ledger — star of "Brokeback Mountain" and "10 Things I Hate About You" — remains deceased.

Ledger died January 22. Since that time, major media outlets have reported that a rolled $20 bill found in the actor's room contained no drug residue 1, the masseuse who found him phoned Mary-Kate Olsen three times before dialing 911 2, the actor's nude body was still warm when discovered 3, the insomnia-wracked Ledger played chess matches when he couldn't sleep 4, he made a video that seemed to foreshadow his death 5, and the apartment he died in was a 4,400 sq ft SOHO loft with cast-iron columns and tin ceilings 6.

In other news, some people died in Kenya or someplace, and there was something about a wall in Israel, or Egypt. Whatever.

The Value of Polling Data; or,

Why CNN is Worth Exactly 1/3 of a Steaming Coil of Yak Shit

This actual "Quick Vote" brought to you by CNN: The most trusted name in news^TM.

Reagan Rises From Grave, Bitch Slaps Candidates

In a surprising development this week, a visibly pissed Ronald Reagan burst forth from his tomb at the Reagan Presidential Library in Semi Valley, CA, and confronted several 2008 Republican presidential candidates. The root of the dead leader's rage: The exploitation of his administration and legacy by the mediocre politicians.

So you think you can hold your squirrel-eating, cracker-ass up to me, huh?" growled the former Commander-in-Chief at Mike Huckabee, "You're not fit to drink my horse's piss!" Before the governor could ask what that even meant, the Gipper had driven a knee into his groin and sent his head spinning with an open-palmed smack.   The former president then tracked down G.O.P. candidate Mitt Romney at a rally in Miami, Florida.   "Say it again, bitch! Say how you're gonna restore the nation to the way it was on my shift," the decomposing ex-president taunted. "Go ahead, you greasy Mormon freak — Make my day!"

Then, with a gesture both quick and precise, the zombified chief executive clasped Romney in a vice-like headlock and gave a sharp, wrenching twist.

Later that afternoon, Reagan shocked Republican hopeful Rudy Giuliani when he appeared outside the mayor's campaign bus.

"Who - who are you?" Giuliani stammered. 

"I'm the Great Communicator, you sniveling fuck. And I've got something I want to communicate to you." Reagan then proceeded to remove Giuliani's head and defecate in the spot where it had previously rested.

Even the senior senator from Arizona was not immune to Dutch's wrath.

"I get it, Johnny," sneered the seething corpse of Reagan, "You're old and you're tough. But you'll never be as old or tough as me. And you'll never be a real conservative. Mr. McCain, tear down this wall between your face and my fist!"

Having dispatched the offending members of his own party, Reagan wiped the rivulets of fresh blood from his menacing scowl.

"Ok, then," he snorted, "Now where's the black guy?"

Top Ten Things Americans Will

Likely Use Their Tax Rebates For

Happy Roe v. Wade Day

Today is the 35th anniversary of the historic Supreme Court decision that struck down anti-abortion laws throughout the country. To celebrate, Planned Parenthood is having a two-for-one special. So bring a friend. Or come with twins.

Because all Pro-Choice supporters are hedonistic, godless baby-killers. And all Pro-Lifers are anti-feminist fundies who want to strip away women's reproductive rights.

Ah, abortion. The Great Polarizer. The issue with no middle ground. In America, the "debate" is all labels and rhetoric, accusations and anger. It generates divisions so deep, rifts so great, it actually makes Israelis and Palestinians say, "What the crap is wrong with those people?" 

Of course, if the Lifers and the Choicers were to ever join forces and spend a fraction of the time and money they use fighting one another on reproductive education and resources, unwanted pregnancies might plummet. Certainly, this is something everyone would want.

But nothing kills a good feeling of righteous indignation like empathy for the enemy. America was born out of conflict. And some habits die hard.

Happy Roe v. Wade Day.

Thompson Wakes Up Long Enough to Drop Out of Race

After demonstrating himself to be less popular than Ron Paul,¹ Fred Thompson has finally abandoned his presidential aspirations. It was a hard fought two-or-so weeks of near campaigning. A bid that made Dennis Kucinich look viable. Though attempting to paint himself as the new Ronald Reagan, Thompson revealed the only thing he had in common with the Gipper was a lackluster acting career. The hesitant candidate showed there was good reason to hesitate. Fred may now go down in history as the only Republican candidate who didn't win a nominating contest in 2008.

Click below to close the Fred Thompson chapter in American presidential politics.

In Economic News...

January 22, 2008

Carolina on My Mind

Ah, it was a good ol' political throw-down last night in South Carolina. Billary and BarryO assailed one another with multiple rounds of snarky barbs while Pretty Boy Johnny (who, by the way, reminds me for all the world of a Cheshire Cat; if he ever does finally fade from this race, I'll guarantee his shit-eating grin will be the last thing to go) came off looking alternately like a prizefight referee and the baby brother who wants to play with the big kids.

Barack got off a few good shots early on. At one point, while defending himself against claims by Bill Clinton that he espoused Reaganesque ideologies, Shrillary just had to interrupt.

"I'm here," she snarled, "He's not."

"OK. Well," shrugged the Illinois senator, "I can't tell who I'm running against sometimes."

Oh, snap!

It was a tough room for the former first lady, considering that the event was sponsored by the Congressional Black Caucus on MLK Day, and her sparring partner was an African American. But the Clinton campaign had already conceded South Carolina. Her sights were set on Super-Duper Tuesday, and she was making her case to the 22 states coming up to bat. Always the strategist, ever the number-cruncher, Billary was far more concerned with how her performance would play in the delegate-heavy states of California and New York.

And she scored some direct hits on her primary rival. Her greatest slam may have been with regard to BarryO's voting record in the Illinois legislature. The claim may have been oversimplified and unfair, but given the reality of our sound byte-hungry media, it was a politically shrewd maneuver. Obama's explanations were too detailed to be included in the highlight reels, so his defense would remain unheard.

In the end, BarryO scored well in S.C., Clinton likely made headway in the Feb. 5 contests, and PBJ solidified his role as a potential convention-time king(or queen)-maker.

Got MLK?

True story.

Once upon a time, I was made the content editor of my company's Black Studies product. This was an impressive achievement considering I am of Irish-German descent and white as the driven snow. Anyway, one of the first things I did in my new position was acquire a supplementary Web-based email, as we could not  access our work accounts from home back then. Upon setting up my new address, I proudly input my sign-line: "Erick Sinkhorn, Black Studies Online, Company Name, etc. etc."

My first order of business was to compose and dispatch an email to the heads of prestigious African-American Studies programs across the U.S. In this note, I identified myself, described our new product and asked for feedback and advice. The message was sent to the likes of Henry Louis Gates, Cornell West and 30+ other top scholars.

Now, what I did not realize at the time was that this new email account had a little quirk. See, the signature line maxed out at 25 characters. Now you'd think that upon entering one's information during set-up, he would get some kind of error message if he exceeded the prescribed length here. But no. Said person could have typed "War and Peace" in that little box, and it would have happily let him. At the end of the day, however, when an email went out, the signature line would end — most abruptly — on keystroke number 25.

And that is how, dear reader, when I sent my note of introduction to the best and brightest minds in Black academia, it was signed:

Erick Sinkhorn

Black Stud

I think Dr. King would have gotten a kick out of that.

Happy MLK Day.

It Was a Helluva Ride, Duncan Hunter

Oh, Duncan. It's been less than an hour since I got the news from the CNN crawl. And I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it's over.

It seems like just yesterday that you announced your candidacy. I remember the media frenzy, the stadium crowds, the groundswell of grassroots Americans, clamoring for change. Clamoring for you.

Those were heady times, old friend. We had big dreams. We were going to change the world. With a fire in our hearts and your name on the lips of every American man, woman and child, we set out to make this nation great again. It was an age of light. But the brightest stars burn fastest. You were too good to last. And we weren't good enough to deserve you.

But your legacy will outlast us all. Your words, your example, your campaign. Your life. Years from now, I'll be able to say, "I was there. I was a part of it. I lived in the time of Representative Duncan Lee Hunter."

I'll never forget you, Congressman.

And I'll always love your cake mix.

Shooting Stars

Jack Nicholson gives his review of The Bucket List.

The Culture Graveyard

Don’t want to participate in collapse of Western civilization but need to know how to talk to your kids? Or maybe you really want to know how to chat up that coffee bartista you’ve had your eye on ever since the mid-life crisis kicked in. Whatever the reason, you just can’t avert your eyes from the train wreck that is American pop culture. But it’s ok. You don’t have to turn to the tabloids. And no one need know except you and your doctor (and me, of course, because I monitor visitors’ IP addys). Get your RDA of LCD right here, at Armchair Wonk’s Culture Graveyard.

Five Top Stories from the Bottom Feeders

	1. Tinsel Town Mourns   This guy died.      --->                 I know. Me neither. Brad Renfro. I think he was in one of those John Grisham movies.
	2. Twin Terror   Olsen Twin #2 is no longer swapping spit with the self-absorbed, dope-shooting cyclist. She's apparently traded him in for a slightly younger model with twice as many testicles (Was that Sheryl Crow laughing?). Yes, the former "Full House" tartlet has been spotted on the town with 36-year-old corpse look-a-like Jared Leto. I can't tell you much about the "Requiem for a Dream" star, other than - judging by his pic - the raccoonish AshO may have been captivated by the greasy goth's similar use of eyeliner.
	3. Checkmate   Searching for Bobby Fischer? Found him!
	4. Jeer & Loathing in Las Vegas   The Juice, who is currently awaiting trial on charges of kidnapping and robbery, was back in a Nevada courtroom this week after breaking conditions of his recent release from jail. At the hearing, Las Vegas District Court Judge Jackie Glass doubled OJ's previous bail amount. "Oh yeah?" declared the fiercely competitive Simpson, rising to the challenge, "Well next time I'll murder three people."   Multiple choice tip: When faced with several options, your best bet is generally “all of the above.”
	5. Out of Bounds   Question: Who got busted this week for making racially-charged statements?   Answer: Everyone.   But let just touch briefly on what happened in the world of sports, which was struck by some profoundly bad decision-making. And who would have guessed it would have come from the historically tolerant and ethnically diverse world of professional golf?   First, the Golf Channel’s1 Kelly Tilghman made a bit of a (Freudian) slip when she said competing players would have to "lynch [Tiger Woods] in a back alley" in order to beat him.   Oooooh, Kelly. Not a great choice of words, that. That's about as good as the time Bush referred to America’s "crusade" on radical Muslims.   Pretty bad. But it was spontaneous. Off the cuff. No time to think it through.   But what the hell was Dave Seanor's excuse? After plenty of time for reflection and consideration, the "Golfweek" editor ran a story about Tilghman's gaff behind this cover.     Man, these golf folks are either arrogant or ignorant or both. At least "Golf Digest Online" went a different route, avoiding any possibility of controversy by playing down the sensitive issue of golf and opting for poker metaphors.

Poll Position

January 18, 2008

Polls. What a cheap way to create news. Public opinion surveys can be invasive, highly speculative, grossly inaccurate (did someone say New Hampshire?) and—most disturbingly—very leading. Whole campaigns are directed by polling results. Politicians change their messages based on it. And voters change their minds when they feel their candidate isn't viable. Should the media and its questionable sampling data wield such influence? Let me put this delicately.

Fuck, no!

But while many of us merely complain about the phenomena, Arianna Huffington is doing something about it. Let me let her explain in her own words:

I highly encourage you to drop by The Huffington Post, sign the "No to Pollsters petition" and make your voice heard with a resounding silence.

A Return to Abnormalcy

Today is Thursday, January 17, 2008.

A little context. Let’s put this in terms most Americans can understand.

• It’s been 73 days since anyone on Leno's staff wrote a new joke.¹

• There are 291 days of media hype and worthless polls until the general election.

• It has been 2 days since Steve Jobs introduced that thing that is going to change our lives forever.

• And there are 33 days until Britney’s next custody hearing.

Also, it's been something like three-hundred-and-fifty-some-odd days since my last blog entry. But who's counting?

No seriously — who is counting? Because I want to give that person a hug. I didn't think anyone read this shit. 

Well, I'm back. With the writers on strike, someone has to step up and fill the void. Even if it's with the aforementioned shit.